So why don’t men like women who are overly emotional? Because men never feel attraction for women they can control. The more control a man has over you, the less attraction he feels for you. The less of a challenge you are, and the more predictable you become, the less attraction he feels.
It’s very simple. To put it another way; if you are the type of woman who lets her emotions take over, then you need to learn how to “own” them. If you don’t, you’re going to have a very hard time succeeding with men after a date or two.
The first step in learning how to own your strong emotions is to realise how they’re created or triggered. Most strong feelings are sudden detonations. Something happens that pushes a button inside you, and Bang! Emotion floods in before you even have a chance to think about it. But the fact is that such triggers have a structure to them. All kinds of little things happen during a trigger moment. One of the greatest insights I’ve had about these triggers is that they are usually caused by making something that happens mean something negative. In other words, it’s not the actual situation itself that pulls the trigger or pushes the button... it’s what you think it means.
For example, let’s say that you’ve met a great guy, gone on a few amazing dates, and then he wasn’t as quick to call you and make plans as he was at the very start. You wait a day or two, and he still doesn’t call. What do you usually think if this happens? “Maybe he doesn’t like me... Maybe he has a woman. Maybe he’s trying to avoid me. Maybe he’s withdrawing like those other guys did in the past...” We make the fact that he hasn’t called mean all these different things.
Another major insight I’ve had in this area is that women allow their imaginations to take over and imagine the worst possible outcomes. Then they get nervous about that outcome actually happening and freak out. The point is that most of us (women as well as men) use our minds to imagine the worst possible outcomes for dating and relationship situations... and it pushes all the wrong buttons, getting us all nervous and upset. Which, of course, makes us screw everything up.
When it comes to men, it’s important that you lose the need to make everything mean something... and stop imagining the worst. Think about those situations when a man doesn’t call you back... or plays hard to get. Yeah, thinking that someone is playing games sucks, but the belief that there’s a “game” going on is exactly the kind of negative meaning I’m talking about. If you immediately start to wonder where he is... what he might be doing, and who he’s with, you create the game in your own mind. Then you make pictures in your brain of him with other women, doing fun things without you, and it’s really upsetting. Bad idea. this is the kind of thing that makes us do all kinds of stupid things that scare the other person away... like calling him 100 times a day, asking where he was and what he was doing.
Instead, start doing yourself a favour and visualise your ideal outcome, and make positive meaning out of the experience for yourself. If he doesn’t call you back right away, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule (maybe his boss just threatened to let him go...), and make it mean that when he finally does talk to you, he’s going to be even more interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other.
If he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, realise that he’s first of all feeling that way because he really likes you and has had to think about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong. He’s probably scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn’t know how to deal with that yet. Once he figures it out for himself, he’ll miss you and want you... and you don’t have to be there waiting around for him to grow up. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it’s great that you got to see this problem of his early on, and that it’s his to deal with.
Does all this sound strange? Let me tell you something: all of the women I know who end up in great long-term relationships, with great attractive men think this way. This is their mindset.
Have you ever noticed that confident people seem to get more confident? That optimistic people tend to become more optimistic? That people who believe in luck seem to get luckier? And that people who are negative become more and more negative?
It’s like a universal magic. The more we expect things to go well, the better they go. Try it — it works. Start noticing those particular situations that trigger your strong negative emotions. Learn to spot the warning signs, and then learn how to keep yourself cantered. If you can learn how to do this, the quality of your relationships will improve dramatically. Especially with men. But this is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s also important to learn how to improve your self-image, overcome fear, maintain your emotional and physical attractiveness, and communicate using your truest indicator of desirability to a man — your body language.
Then you can learn how to learn, grow and stay connected with a man.
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