Tips from a married lady (part two): drama nausea

Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say “I can’t help the way I feel”? Of course you have. We’ve even got terms we use to describe when we’re overly upset and just need to “get it out”. You can call it venting or dumping. I call it “drama nausea”.

So here’s my point. Is it OK it to be upset, to get emotional and to show exactly how you feel inside with a man? You create what you share to make things simple, so let's file emotions under two categories...

First, there are those you might call positive emotions or those based on joy. And then there are negative emotions, those based on fear. In other words, there are the emotions that make you feel good and emotions that make you feel bad. We all know that emotions are not self-contained. Isn’t it frustrating when you feel angry or down and all you want is the man to listen to you... but then he gets all wrapped up and intense just because you wanted to share?

If you’ve ever had this happen to you and you got frustrated or angry, then you have something important to learn: emotions are contagious. In other words, when you feel an emotion you can very easily pass what you’re feeling on to the person you’re sharing it with. And the stronger the emotion, the more it will over-ride the other person and get them on your emotional level. Even if their level is constructive and positive and yours is destructive and negative.

And when an emotion starts to become too strong, it literally takes over your mind and body. Then you’re driven by body language and your words to share that feeling. In some situations, this can be a very powerful and positive thing. Imagine your favourite actor or singer giving a world-class performance... you can literally sense the same emotions she or he is feeling. Or how about when a man surprises you with a romantic night with candle-light and he’s open, connected and sharing himself with you?

It can be an amazing experience when men allow their emotions to take over. And you get to go there with them. But it can also be a very powerful negative thing. Have you ever spent time with a guy and he became less connected to you as you became more connected to him? It probably made you so nervous, anxious and out of control that you made yourself sick. When an emotion becomes so strong that it actually “becomes” you, your behaviour and your sole motivation... then you are definitely out of control.

Emotions can actually trick you into trying to control others, just to get back to where you feel comfortable. And instead of simply communicating what it is that you’re going through and what you want, you actually try and make the other person feel the bad things that you feel. Ouch. And sure, the short-term payoff for this is usually some sense of immediate relief or resolution. You get your feelings off your chest and get to release them, which can feel great at the time. But the long-term effects are not so sunny. So let me ask this: what if your quality of life and your relationships could be better than the negative emotions and fears that hijack your mind? What if you made a man feel a deep sense of love instead of sharing the contagious negative emotions that arise from your fears?

And what if you broke out of those same old patterns that keep happening again and again? Fear and the unconscious power of emotions — strong emotions — create strong memories. We tend to remember things better if we were feeling a strong emotion at the time, especially if the memory came during or after an intense emotion.

I can remember so many situations in my life when I was dating and was too nervous and afraid to share myself completely. So I kept one foot outside the door and I’d never say much about what I really wanted and needed in a relationship. It was my secret excuse and my way of staying unhappy so I didn’t have to fully commit to creating a great life with a man and take any responsibility for my own experience or for his. I still vividly remember situations more than 15 years ago in which I was so nervous and uncomfortable when a relationship became serious that the emotion literally seared the image onto my mind. When this kind of thing happens often, as it has with me, it starts to create a feedback loop. In other words, most of the strong memories I have about relationships with men were situations when I screwed up and made myself feel unhappy, unheard and uncomfortable. This meant I had less and less comfort and confidence as the years went by, and could never feel happy in a long-term relationship.

Give me a nod here if you know what I’m talking about. The “emotional attraction” that makes a woman addicted to being close to a man. I’m sure you’ve already figured out that I’m going to suggest that you learn how to “own” your emotions in situations with men. Let me talk for a moment about the reasons why it is so important to do this. Remember, when it comes to attraction, all so-called logic changes. You have to stop thinking about what you think you’ve learned about being “in touch” with your emotions and realise that a man’s attraction isn’t triggered by you being everything that you feel.That’s a nice fairy tale, but it’s a lie. Your friends, your parents and your girlfriends might give you unconditional love and understanding in this way, but men won’t start to feel love, passion and connection with you if you’re playing out all the things you feel with him.

You need to learn how to own your emotions around men: if your emotions own you early on, you probably won’t even be able to talk to him or date in the fun and spontaneous way that men crave. You’ll just be too freaked out even to get to the good stuff with him.