Laugh or cry?

OK, guys, tell us the truth. What do you think puts a woman in the sexy category? A model, an actress? Having a Lara Croft body complete with matching collagen lips? What do females really need to do to grab a guy’s attention? Nicosia has an abundance of women sitting prettily in hotel restaurants, spending hours in the spa, and driving round in fancy cars. Does this impress you and send your pulse racing? Is it enough to put a woman on your “most wanted” list? I think not.
The sexiest women in Britain, apparently, are comedians Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders. Why? Because they are funny. Nothing is more appealing than a funny woman, according to a questionnaire answered by British men in their 30s. Putting laughter so high on a list of desirables is apparently a much deeper thing than, for example, saying a woman has the perfect bottom or is really stunning. If a woman can’t make a man laugh she’s got no soul. I think it’s easier to impress a man by making him laugh than it is to spend hours looking perfect and then not having anything interesting to say all night. Satire, parody, ribald rhyme, wit and jokes about a certain part of the anatomy are definitely one way to a man’s heart. The key is not being afraid to say what you think. Isn’t that what a sense of humour is, the freedom to recognize this and to crack a joke, no matter how inappropriate? Women also put humour high on their list of “attractiveness” when asked what they want in a man. You can’t admire someone for a lifetime just for his or her looks. Take Greta Garbo, for example. She may have been a screen goddess, but Greta wasn’t exactly known for her rollicking party pieces. She just “vonted” to be alone. And ven you’re alone, the whole vorld does not laff viss you. Most guys feel threatened by any woman with a sense of humour because men tend to use humour as a weapon. This is because the male is a simple competitive being like a greyhound – he just wants to catch the rabbit, eat it and then go to sleep. I suppose some boys can’t deal with the fact that there are some women out there who are funnier and much more subtle than they are. Men are very sensitive about being laughed at. They possess a large and fragile ego much like a Ming vase, but not as rare or attractive. The problem is that they want women to hold their vases, fondle them, and praise them for being so bulbous. Joking apart, though, and without shattering too many ego-vases, we really have to take into account that guys who are insecure weaklings just can’t stand women to be funnier than them. I refer to chaps who guzzle Chang, wear football kit in public and have shaved heads. They can only have meek doormat girlfriends. My advice is to give them a miss. Such men are bound by outdated tradition and are afraid of the female humour area. You can see the importance of the laughter molecule in a happy relationship. It is more important than, say, a prenuptial agreement – an idea I have never understood. We get married and if I don’t like you in two months, I still get to keep the Merc. Hardly the stuff of traditional romantic novels, is it?

A prenuptial laughter agreement makes much more sense. I hereby promise to stop doing the squirrel noise after two years and you swear to come up with new jokes to replace all those vicar-shagging gags you learned down the pub with your mates. Think of all the relationships that could be saved if couples could surprise each other with fresh stories. Can you imagine having to sit through Richard Gere’s laugh-packed Dalai Lama anecdotes for the hundredth time? No wonder Cindy Crawford left him. Women are naturally funny because they have to be. They suffer more than men, they work harder, and they endure more physical pain. Humour is the great leveller that reminds us we’re not here for a long time; we’re here for a good time. There are degrees of “serious”, and that is what defines us and separates us. Men are gradually learning to accept funny girls. At long last some of them are beginning to see the light. Humour makes for understanding and love. It’s also less painful and lasts longer than collagen implants...